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Tamar May 26, 2006 |

I found this poem I wrote a couple of years ago after visiting the Holocaust museum, Yad Vashem in Jerusalem. I just realised there is a reference to Pajeczno in it. I don't think that when I wrote the poem I thought that I would ever go to Poland.
Life is one very odd journey isn't it?


For my Great Aunt Tamar Koziwoda – May her dear soul be a blessed memory


Do you know that I was named for you Tamar?
I’ve known that all my life.
I know that you gave your life so that I could be named in honour of you.
I often wonder who you were,
What you thought
And what you felt.

You came from little Pajeczno
But we don’t know where you died.
Did you ever find love Tamar
In your short, beautiful life?

I feel like I’ve been searching for you my entire life
Like the sister I never had
You were simply born at the wrong time
Or maybe the wrong place
You never had a chance.

I finally found you
Or did you find me?
My dearest Tamar
In Yad Vashem I saw your name
Just one of millions of souls.
But still, I found you
And here in beautiful Jerusalem your soul can finally rest.


Israel, 9 December, 2003

Honour Thy Dreams May 25, 2006 |



I was chatting online to my great friend Elisabeth this evening. Elisabeth and I met about 3 years ago when we were both studying at the WUJS Institute in Arad.
Elisabeth made aliyah in December last year and we were lucky enough to spend quite a bit of time together when I was back earlier this year.

The last few days I have been doing a lot of thinking. I put this largely down to the fact that I have been sitting on my arse the last 4 days, and apart from watching movie after movie, thinking has been occupying a lot of my time.

Writers are by their very nature, quite inward, introverted individuals who revel in solitude. Or at least I am. Sure. I love a raucous get together. A drink with friends, friendly office banter. But give me silence any day.

The realisation that I am moving back to Israel in almost exactly 6 months is hitting me now and hitting me hard. I've been all talk for two years. Now, it's time to steal a well used phrase from my friend Kobi, to "walk da walk."

I think that if I think about it too hard I will convince myself that I am insane and I just need to take a hold of my senses and start living in "the real world" Oh yuch! Who wants to do that??

Anyway, it was Elisabeth who reminded me tonight of something very important. When I was in Israel at the beginning of the year I bought a beautiful sterling silver disk that slides effortlessly on a silver chain. I chose two inscriptions, in Hebrew to be engraved by the jeweller.

The first side says (translated from a song by Shlomo Shabbat) "Whatever will be, will be. I will make a difference, I will fulfill my dream"

The other side says "Follow your heart even if it hurts"

You must forgive my terrible photo. I tried really hard to zoom in close enough to pick up the engraving, but it just blurred and looked dreadful. You get the idea though.

Anyway, the point is this.

I stopped wearing the necklace a while back. Not deliberately. I just like to change my jewellery quite often. I have an accessories fetish. Gimme a break. I'm a girl.

But Elisabeth reminded me why i bought that necklace in the first place. It serves me a daily reminder of why it is I am doing what I am doing.

If making aliyah was so damn easy, we'd all be doing it right?

My necklace is back on and I will sleep better tonight knowing that in 6 month's time Elisabeth will be there with open arms and (when needed) an industrial sized box of kleenex.

Emerging from the Black Hole May 24, 2006 |

I feel like I have emerged from a black hole.

The last few weeks I have been working like a maniac. With the opening of the inaugural Sydney Jewish Writers' Festival upon me - a deadline that grew closer and tighter, like a noose round my neck - I worked longer and longer days. Days, nights, weekdays, weekends. It seemed like it would never end!

I know I might sound like I get some sick pleasure from working myself to a permanent state of migraine, but I don't. Truly. Honest guv'ner.

But, the day did finally come. The festival opened (very successfully) and by some miracle, the entire festival ended up being a wonderful success. People came - lots of people came! It was so exciting!

The Writers' gave us wonderful and inspiring words of wisdom and at the end of it all, I was exhausted, my adrenaline was all spent and I was beyond sleep deprived.

But I was also on a total high.

It worked! We pulled it off! "If you build it, they will come". Yes, I know. How could I drag a dreadful Kevin Costner film into this? But seriously, when I looked around me at the final session and we had close to 200 people there, I felt such an overwhelming sense of pride, such a deep sense of satisfaction.

I am taking a week off now. I have barely managed to get out of my pyjamas the last couple of days. I am making up for all the movies I missed out seeing and I am in DVD heaven right now.

Gotta go. The popcorn's a popping...

Glimpses May 12, 2006 |


You know, I think I just caught a glimpse of my inner most soul
And it scared me because I could not tell what I was looking at.

Have you ever put your head under the water and opened your eyes?
Do you recall how everything was blurry, but still familiar?
I think it was a bit like that.

For just one second, the door opened a crack and I saw something
I was not supposed to see.
My future.
You are not supposed to see that.
Not until you get there.

I saw her staring back at me.
I think she had been crying, but that could have just been the ripples in the water. I thought it rude to ask.

She reached out to shut the door, and she put her fingers to her lips.
“This is not for you to see just yet” she whispered, and the door closed shut.

Blackness consumed my space.
So dark, I couldn’t even see where the outline of the door frame had just been.
The reflection of my inner most soul was no longer and I was alone in my physical consciousness again.

Sometimes I find myself staring at my image in the mirror.
Not in any narcissistic sense, but really staring.
Trying to understand what others see when they look at me.
Trying to disembody myself and look beyond my reflection.

I wonder if I turn away quickly enough
Will I catch her looking at me once again?
Will my head turn just that fraction faster than the girl in the mirror?
Or will I see her when I submerge my body in the cleansing bath?
The water warming every inch of my body
As I float in the ritual healing of my inner most soul.

SBF (Single Blogging Female) desperately seeking a GJB (Good Jewish Boy) May 10, 2006 |

Seriously.

What's a girl gotta do to find a Good Jewish Boy these days?
I ask you voyeuristic reader from cyberspace. I implore you.
JDate, Shmay Date. Oi vey already.
Actually, just when I was getting all 30-something and cynical, a good friend of mine just announced her engagement. Guess how they met? Yup. You guessed it. Bloody JDate.

I've actually met a few decent guys from JDate, but I just can't bring myself to add yet more debt to my poor old credit card, even if it is in the name of LOVE, even if it means possibly missing out on meeting my one-and-only-true-JDate-soulmate who I bond with over an over-priced latte and some stunted conversation as we play Jewish Geography.
"Oh no way! You went to kindergarten with my second cousin twice removed? Really? That's just crazy, isn't it, what a small world eh?"

Oh yawn. Oh save me now. Please.

I am in an odd place at the moment. I don't mean physically. Actually, I am in a very comfortable place right now. Snuggled up on the sofa wearing my highly flattering terry towelling sweat pants, cardigan and fluffy socks. Sexy, I know...

No. I really am in an odd place right now. In the metaphorical sense, you know?
In just 7 short months I will be moving back to Israel. Or, at least, that's the plan. A friend recently asked me if I was definitely going back and I said, "well, yes. That's the plan. Unless life does a massive u-turn on me."

And then I thought about it.

What would constitute a "massive u-turn"? What would make me give up my dream to live in Israel?

A great job?
(nope. I have got one, and I am still giving it up)
My family and friends? (nope, they are all amazingly supportive of me going)
Mr Right?

Hmmmm.....

What if I met someone and he totally swept me off my feet and I fell in love and...he has zero interest in living in Israel (let's face it. Israel doesn't tend to feature too highly on most people's Top 5 Places in the World to Live)

It's gotta be the ultimate Catch-22.
What's more important to me now? Living in a place I don't particularly want to live in, but with the person I want to be with?
Or living in the place I want to be and running the risk that I am f#%king up a perfectly good relationsip.
Ok reality check SBF. Got to remember this "perfectly good relationship" doesn't actually exist. Yet.
But he could! That's my point. He could exist!

Right now I tend to think the best plan of action is to batton down the hatches, become an even sadder workaholic than I already am, embrace my inner Blog Geek and wait until the end of the year when I hurtle back across the world to the Holy Land to find my Mr Nachon (that's Hebrew for "right").

U-turn. Bugger off. I am not interested in changing direction anymore. A bit of straight road would be lovely right now.

Reclaiming The Past - A Journey to Poland May 04, 2006 |


In December last year, I traveled to Israel with nearly 400 young Australian Jews. For many, it was their first trip to Israel and there is no doubt that the experience had a life-changing effect on their lives, an effect that will last for years to come.

Following the Israel Programs, we took a group of 40 students to Poland. Unlike March of the Living which has just taken place, the Poland Heritage Tour is not just a Holocaust program. The program attempts to provide the participants with a glimpse of what Jewish life in Poland before the war was like. It is important to remember that for nearly 700 years prior to World War Two, the Jews lived – for the most part – a rich existence and Jewish life flourished. It’s almost impossible to picture that life now as almost nothing remains of what once was.

In seven packed and bitterly cold days we went to Warsaw, Majdanek, Lublin, Krakow and obviously to Auschwitz-Birkenau.

There are remnants of past Jewish life everywhere; a bit of an old Yiddish shop sign slowly disintegrating away, tell-tale holes in the archways of doors where mezzuzot once were, incredibly there are synagogues that survived the war almost 100% intact, and of course there are the Jewish cemeteries. Ironically, it was through visiting a lot of cemeteries that we were able to gain some insight into the size of the Jewish communities in Poland (in Warsaw, one in every third person was Jewish before the war – and in Lublin it was every second person). The cemeteries reflected centuries of life in this country; religious and secular, the intellectuals, the artists, and of course the Zionists. It was all here. And it is all gone.

It goes without saying that the other aspect of the program was of course to visit the sites of the Concentration and Death camps and for each one of us to make our very personal pilgrimage to the places where most of us had lost innumerable members of our families during the Holocaust.

There are no words I can use to explain to you the experience of walking through a gas chamber. Seeing the green discoloration of the walls where the Zyclon B gas pellets were poured through holes in the roof, the scratch marks on the walls – the last desperate actions of people who knew they were breathing in their very last gasps of air. It is all there and it is almost too surreal and too horrific to absorb.

At Majdanek, just outside of Lublin there is a room adjoining the crematoria where you will see a bathtub. It was the private bathroom of the SS Commander in charge of the crematoria. Apparently he loved to take his baths there where the water was constantly heated and he could watch bodies burn at the same time.

As you walk out of the crematoria, you come to a giant monument that the Polish Government in all their wisdom decided was a just and fitting memorial to the more than 1,000,000 people murdered there. As you climb the stairs to the top and walk around the circular path you stare at a giant mountain of dirt. Except it is not dirt. They are the actual ashes of the murdered Jews. If you look closely, you can even see fragments of bone.

A good friend of mine who was there a couple of years ago told me that when he visited the memorial he saw two Polish neo-Nazis stub out their cigarette butts in the ashes.

What makes Majdanek even more shocking, if that were possible, is that it is literally on the outskirts of the centre of Lublin. Unlike some of the other camps which the Nazi’s went to some lengths to conceal by locating them deep within the countryside, Majdanek is in plain view of the whole city. From the main road and entrance to the camp you can clearly see the city. There aren’t even a perfunctory row of trees in an attempt to conceal the camp.

Bundled up in our multiple layers of 21st century ski gear, we trudged through the freezing camp, which was covered in a thick layer of snow. It made me realise – all of us on the program realise – that people in the camps had nothing to protect them from such harsh conditions. I truly do not know how one person came out of the camps alive. I don’t know how any one of them made it through a single night, let alone a whole winter. Four hours in the open air was enough for us. It was so cold we would get back on the bus nearly in tears it was so painful.

Our final day in Poland took us on the bleak journey to Auschwitz-Birkenau, where untold members of my mother's family were murdered. Just a few kilometres away from the camps, our bus was stopped at some traffic lights. I looked out the window and saw a road sign. Pointing left the sign said "Oswiecim", Polish for Auschwitz. Pointing right the sign said "Pajęczno" the small hometown of my late-grandmother.

Auschwitz and Pajęczno side by side. I looked it up on the map, to get a sense of distance. Pajęczno was a mere 30 or so kilometres away. All my life I had heard mentions of this little town in Poland where my bubba was from. And all of a sudden, I was a mere 30kms from where she was born.

The lights turned green and our bus turned left and as the bus moved futher away from the sign, further away from my roots, further away from finding a piece of the missing jigsaw puzzle. I fought back the tears, and hid my head against the cold window. I was so close, and yet, I had never felt so far from the truth.



Auschwitz was every bit as horrific as you would imagine it to be. We trudged through the snow from the barracks to the gas chambers and as I stood in this cold, dark, airless room all I could think of was "there were members of my family who died in this very room". I can't describe what that felt like. How? How can I find words to describe this?

At the back of all our minds during our week in Poland was the knowledge that we were going to fly back to Israel. At the end of the week we were nearly beside ourselves and could not wait for the plane to take off out of the artic wilderness and back to our Homeland. When we landed 3 ½ hours later we did not just clap (an Israeli tradition when a plane lands safely!) we whooped and cheered, some of us even cried.

I will never forget one young man on our program whose face was wet with tears as we got off the plane took and those first steps on Israeli soil.

We ended our Poland Heritage Tour here in Israel. Where else could you finish such a program? We returned to the Holocaust museum, Yad Vashem for a two-day seminar. It was invaluable for the participants to have this opportunity to speak at length about their experiences in Poland and to express their thoughts and feelings. It was a strange experience to go back and tour the museum except this time the black and white photos took on new significance as we realised that many of those places we had been to, walked through and touched with our own hands.

The final part of our journey took us to the Jewish Quarter of the Old City and of course, to The Kotel. There, each of us could reflect on the week we had experienced and in our own individual way, give thanks to G-d that in each of our families, there was at least one survivor thereby ensuring that we were born.

I’ll leave you with a beautiful Hassidic tale that was told to us in Poland by our wonderful guide Yonatan. I wish I could remember the whole story, but in essence, this was it: in answer to the question, “why are prayers said at The Kotel so much more powerful than anywhere else? It is because above our heads are the souls of the 6 million that perished. Their souls are here in Jerusalem.”

All about Solid Gold Dancing in the Holy Land

I started this blog in April 2006 essentially on a whim because I was bored one day (big mistake). As time went on and the countdown to my return to Israel really began, the blog began to take shape, form and meaning (some of the time). I realise that it has become an outlet for my many varied and often jumbled emotions, but most of all it is tracking the adventure of a lifetime. Bookmark me and come along for the ride!