So now Our Johnny wants migrants to wait four years instead of three to earn the right to possess an Australian passport. He also wants them to pass an English test and potentially an Australian “Culture” test.

This got me thinking. What exactly would we test people on? What the hell is “Australian Culture” (other than a bit of an oxymoron)? What a fun job that would be, putting together that test! I thought I would give writing one myself a go:

The Fair Dinkum, Ridgy Didge, Dinky die, True Blue, Dyed-in-the-wool, Let's be an Aussie Cultural Test

Your name:

1. Bluey, Gazza, Bazza and Bruce are sitting in the pub on a Sunday afternoon, and the Aussie Rules is on the big screen.
How much is a beer?
a) Who cares, stick it on the tab mate.
b) $1.50?
c) Nothing. It’s Bazza’s shout.

2. The term, "the back O’Bourke," means:
a) The street behind Bourke St.
b) An expression of relief i.e. “I’ve never been so glad to see the back O’Bourke!”
c) The only place you’ll be able to afford to buy a house.

3. What is a “banana bender?”
a) The person who bends the bananas in the banana factory.
b) A person of dubious sexuality.
c) A native Queenslander.

4. According to Australian fashion "stubbies" and "thongs" are:
a) A modern interpretation of the 80's favourite accessory, the boob tube and a highly uncomfortable piece of underwear more closely akin to dental floss than underpants.
b) Overly short shorts and the Australian official footwear, also known as "flip flops"
c) I'm confused. How do you wear a glass of beer?

5. The term "Chuck a sickie" refers to:
a) Throwing a lesser known but equally lethal cousin of the boomerang weapon.
b) Throwing up after a hard night on the piss.
c) Taking a well deserved day off work.

6. To be “very stupid” or “very mad”, one is said to be:
a) Mad as a meat axe
b) Mad as a cut snake
c) A stunned mullet

7. A one-armed bandit is:
a) A criminal who has lost an arm
b) A poker machine
c) A rare native marsupial

8. When driving, to “chuck a U-ee” means you:
a) Are completing a U-turn in your car.
b) Are vomiting in your car.
c) Overturn your car.

9. The term "budgie smugglers" refers to:
a) The illegal smuggling of Australian budgerigars to Asia where their ground up feathers are used as a common aphrodisiac.
b) The name of a famous Australian pub.
c) A pair of tight, and very unaesthetically-pleasing pair of Speedo swimpants for men.

10. What is Vegemite?
a) A small, but deadly native insect
b) A small vegetarian
c) A sickly yeast concoction that Real Aussies smear on their toast every day.

The Answers:

1A, 2C, 3C, 4B, 5C, 6B, 7B, 8A, 9C, 10C

How did you do?

0-3: Bad luck mate. You’re back on the next slow boat to China.
4-7: Getting there Sunshine, but we’re gonna make you wait a bit longer for a passport.
8-10: G’day cobber! Welcome to the Lucky Country!

Anyway, to be serious again (for just a moment). Let’s look back in history shall we? Let’s examine the great former British Empire. Think back to how well the British assimilated into their newly conquered environments. India, Singapore, Hong Kong and of course… Australia.

Now, I am not just talking out of my hat here. I was born and raised in Hong Kong and lived there for the first 23 years of my life. Now; do I speak Cantonese or Mandarin? Do I heck! Does this fact fill me with shame and embarrassment? You bet it does! When I was at high school (the very posh and terribly-Chinese sounding King George V School) there was an actual school rule that forbade students from speaking any language other than English on school grounds. I am not joking. We did Maths in pounds and pence (as opposed to HK dollars and cents); in Geography we studied the construction of the M1 motorway in England and in History we studied Medieval Britain.

So what’s behind Howard’s new policy? Let’s be really honest here. This is about fear. This is about Howard’s thinly disguised attempt to somehow flush out the “undesirables”, the potential enemies of the country. Surely, if we turn them into dinky-die Aussies from the outset then they couldn’t possibly want to blow up their fellow countrymen?

Nice theory. But it’s just that, a theory. Think back to the London Bombings. Three out of the four suicide-bombers were born and bred in the UK. And they all spoke English right proper too.

If Australia genuinely wants its new migrants to assimilate and become real Aussies, it could take a leaf out of Israel’s book. What other country pays its new migrants a living allowance while they study the official language intensively for the first few months? What other country gives its new migrants significant tax breaks and free health insurance for the first six months? What other country pays for the migrant’s airfare?

Now, I am not suggesting the Australian Government starts handing out free airfares to every new migrant, nor am I suggesting that Israel has got it 100% right – but Israel has an entire Government Ministry whose raison d’être is to look after new migrants – the Ministry of Immigrant Absorption (Misrad HaKlita). What is Australia really doing to help integrate its new migrants?

If John Howard thinks that a crash course in English and a few facts and figures about Australia is going to prevent someone from turning into a would-be terrorist, then our government is so, SO off the mark. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with how naïve this country really is.

So Johnny. If that’s the best you can come up with, good luck mate – coz you’re gonna need it.